IN SEARCH OF
by AJ Granger
Summary: Harry Potter and Nymphadora Tonks are both in search of something...


**IN SEARCH OF…**

Purple eyes blinked wearily as small hands pushed their way through tangled platinum blonde locks. She sighed heavily and rolled out of her make-shift bed. Promising herself eight good hours of sleep sometime in the next three days, she tried to rub the worst of the grit out of her eyes. She stumbled into the small bathroom down the hall from her office and splashed lots of cold water on her face. It was a definite start, she thought, as she brushed her teeth. She scrunched her face up slightly and her hair changed to short and black. Less conspicuous really than the blonde certainly, and more suited to her guard duty in the muggle neighborhood of Surrey, than her usual bubblegum pink, she frowned slightly and kept the violet eyes. They were an unusual color, but she didn't plan to let anyone get close enough to really see the color of her eyes. Glancing down at her wristwatch, she changed clothes quickly and apparated to just outside the wards of Privet Drive. She walked slowly down the street in the pre-dawn hours not really worrying about being seen. She stretched her senses noting the sounds of birds and a few dogs. It was still a little early for most of the residents of Surrey to be getting out of bed to head off to work and certainly too early to be tending to gardens and exchanging gossip with neighbors.

With the unexpected death of Dumbledore, the Order was stumbling a bit, but ever the planner, Dumbledore had planned even for his own demise. Harry returned to his aunt and uncle's house in Surrey, and various Order members continued to watch over the house in case of an attack. So far, all had been quiet. Harry would appear occasionally in the yard doing various chores, but other than that he remained in the house. Tonks wondered at his lack of venturing further, especially considering in years past he had always wandered the neighborhood, often ending up at the play park just blocks from Number 4. She worried about him, about his reaction to the loss of Dumbledore. Even now, weeks later, it seemed impossible that he was gone. Sirius's death, the year before, had not been easy on Harry. She wondered how much worse Dumbledore's had been for him. After all, he'd known Dumbledore longer, and at times seemed rather close to the aging headmaster.

She greeted Dung casually and traded pleasantries for a moment. He told her he'd seen Harry at the window once several hours before and assumed the young man was sleeping as his light was out in his room. She nodded at the information, filing it away, even as her own thoughts continued to ponder the events of the last year. She'd been tempted to try to talk to Harry. Maybe she'd do that today, especially since she couldn't quite seem to suppress the memories lately.

The last year had included some of the best and worst times of her life. The death of her cousin, Sirius Black, and her own injuries at the battle in the Department of Mysteries made her question seriously for the first time whether she'd survive the war. As an auror and a member of the Order she knew that the possibility existed, but she'd always managed to push the thought aside. Now, she'd found herself contemplating the possibility more and more and it scared her.

She'd also fallen hard for Remus Lupin. It wasn't something she'd expected. He was always so serious. But she'd come to love the caring and intelligent man. For awhile, she'd even thought that things would work between them. At Dumbledore's funeral he'd held her hand, and the two had comforted each other in their loss. It was nice to think she might have found someone to share her life with, however long it would last. But then, Remus had pulled away, insisting that they couldn't be together as he had been doing all year. He called her immature, and reminded her of his earlier arguments about how they couldn't really be together because he was a werewolf, would always be one. She'd been prepared to argue with him again, to fight for the dream of someone to love and love her. Tears slid down her cheeks and she brushed them away angrily. He'd left the next day, the coward, disappearing to who knows where, and no one was talking.

The others looked at her in sympathy. She hated that. But then, she'd hated what she'd become in this last year, as her heart overruled her head. She'd been so depressed so caught up in the dream of finding love and someone who would love her for herself. Not just the metamorphmagus, but the witch beneath the mask. She'd thought that someone would be Remus, and that eventually, she would chip away at the wall he kept around his heart.

"Dammit," she cursed softly. This was exactly the line of thought she'd been hoping to avoid. She had to stop this nonsense and move on with her life. Remus did not want to be apart of hers, and she'd have to learn to accept that. Casting a disillusionment charm on herself, she determined to check on her charge as a needed distraction. A woman could drive herself crazy thinking about a man.

She silenced her footsteps and unpocketed her shrunken broom. Aurors carried lots of useful things with them at all times, a basic broom was one of them. She'd needed it on more than one occasion to get home or around anti-appartion wards. Although she had to confess, she loved to fly. It always seemed so freeing. She used the broom to fly closer to Harry's window and peeked inside.

The young man was seated at his desk reading and taking notes. Hedwig was nowhere to be seen. She drifted just outside the window and watched him for a moment. A hand raked back through his messy black locks, and she bit back a sigh as it further mussed the already out of control hair. He stiffened almost imperceptibly, and she wondered if he could see through disillusionments. He whirled towards the window, wand pointed right at her, his sharp green eyes alert. He stared at her for a long moment, and she dared not breathe, scared that any movement would show him the slight displacement that was her. Surely he couldn't really see her, even if it felt like he could. After what seemed like an eternity, but she knew must have only been a couple of minutes, he looked away. Thankful to not have been caught, and unsettled by the experience, she quickly flew back down to the ground and, after shrinking her broom and returning it to her pocket, she settled back in to her spot beneath a flowering tree in the Dursley yard. Generally guard duty wasn't so bad. The wards were finely tuned, and with Harry staying inside most of the time, the biggest problem was boredom, or in her case, her thoughts.

Harry could have sworn that somebody had been watching him. He had found himself wondering several times, if members of the Order were indeed watching over him again at his aunt and uncle's. Then he'd been forced to wonder if the Order was even still operating since Dumbledore's death. 'Who else would lead the group?'

It had taken some considerable convincing by Harry, but he'd eventually managed to get Hermione and Ron to agree to meet up with him at the Burrow just before Bill and Fleur's wedding. He did not want to subject them to Privet Drive and his relatives if he could help it. Besides, he wasn't entirely sure he wanted them to join him as he hunted for the remaining horcruxes. The deciding factor had been that this way, they could each spend time with their families before they headed off to save the world, as Ron called it. Hermione had been suspicious at first, but ultimately, her desire to see her parents and spend a little time with them had won out and she'd accepted Harry's idea.

His aunt and uncle had been relatively easy on him this summer. They still gave him chores, although the list was much shorter than in the past. They had also told him that he could eat what he wanted from the icebox and pantry, but that he was not to eat with them at their mealtimes. Harry hadn't told them he much preferred this arrangement because it allowed him to choose his own food, and didn't force him to spend time in their presence.

In his free time he'd taken to studying his old defense books, along with the other books he'd been given over the last few years as presents. He would have preferred to be researching about horcruxes and how to destroy them, but as he was stuck at Privet Drive, he didn't have access to money or the wizarding world. He was tempted to go to Diagon Alley for money, and perhaps a trip to Flourish and Blotts, but he knew that by appearing in public he would put himself and the other people around him at risk. He also had no doubt that Voldemort was keeping an eye on obvious places like Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade, waiting for Harry to show up there. And, although he'd known about the prophecy for a year now, he was no closer to being able to defeat Voldemort now as he was then. Harry sighed in frustration and turned back to his studies. He would need to become much stronger, faster, and knowledgeable if he wanted to stand a chance against Voldemort, especially now that Dumbledore was no longer there to shield him. How was he ever going to be able to kill Voldemort, when he couldn't even land a spell on Snape? Shaking his head to try to clear his thoughts, he forced himself to focus. He had work to do.

His grumbling stomach forced him to shove his books aside several hours later as he went in search of something to eat. He walked downstairs in the quiet house enjoying the fact that he seemingly had the place to himself. He made himself a ham and cheese sandwich carefully wiping away any crumbs from the bread before pouring himself a glass of milk. He sat at the empty kitchen table to eat his sandwich, and let his thoughts drift to what he would do once he left the Dursleys. He really did not want to return to Grimmauld Place. And for the first time ever, the thought of going to the Burrow filled him with dread. It would be uncomfortable to be around Ginny so much, and he didn't particularly fancy having to explain to Mrs. Weasley why he needed to go somewhere. Knowing the Weasley matriarch she would do her best to keep him locked away at the Burrow until September 1, when she'd take him to the train to go to Hogwarts. He knew he couldn't waste the rest of the summer at the Burrow, when he still had three horcruxs to find and destroy before going after Nagini and Voldemort.

He shook his head and reminded himself not to worry about it. He knew he'd think of something. Perhaps he should look into buying a new place that no one would know about at all. He finished the last of his sandwich, then drank the last of his milk. Feeling somewhat refreshed he stood and wiped the table off, it wouldn't do to have Aunt Petunia angry at him over some crumbs or condensation left by his glass. He rinsed the glass off in the sink and placed it in the dishwasher. He looked over the kitchen one last time and found it up to his aunt's high standards. She might not even know he'd been in there except for the new glass in the dishwasher and some water spatters in the sink. Satisfied he grabbed an apple from the bowl of fruit sitting on the sideboard and headed back to his room. He had a lot more studying to do.

Tonks decided to check on Harry one final time before her shift ended. She still hadn't decided if she should approach him or not. This time when she peeked in his bedroom window, she found him sitting on his bed surrounded by stacks of books as he reviewed spells even going through the movements with his wand. He'd been studying a lot lately, and she wondered if he found it easier to pour himself into his studies as she was pouring herself into her work. She knew that spending all her time working, either as an auror or for the Order, was not the best way to deal with her raw emotions, but exhaustion made it easier to sleep. As it was, her guard duty left her too much time to think, both about the past and her fears for the future as the war escalated. An overwhelming need to really talk to someone overcame her, and she found herself knocking on the window as if it were a door.

Harry moved with the incredibly swift reflexes of a seeker as his wand trained on the window. The papers and books around him spilled to the floor. He could swear someone was there, and he'd heard a knock, but he still didn't see anyone.

"Wotcher, Harry, it's me," Tonks called hoping he wouldn't hit her with a curse first and then try to figure out who was outside his window. She didn't want to cancel the disillusionment until she was inside for fear that one of the muggles would see her suspended outside Harry's room on a broom. It was during the day after all. Harry recognized the voice immediately, but wondered why Tonks would be at Privet Drive.

"Enter slowly," he instructed her as he backed away from the window towards the door leading into the hall. Tonks followed his directions, and eased the window open before climbing through it and shutting it behind her. She cancelled the disillusionment and waited patiently to see how the young man would react.

Harry stared at the beautiful young woman before him. He couldn't recall having seen her before, but the heart shaped face, small nose, and sensuous mouth seemed familiar. Her eyes were a stunning violet color as bright as his emerald green ones. Her hair was black like his and for a moment he found himself wondering if it would feel as soft as it looked. Then he noticed the lingering bit of sadness in her face. Some part of him wanted to pull her closer and comfort her. He had no idea how long he just stood there and stared at her or how much longer he would have continued to do so if she hadn't spoken.

"Are you going to ask me a question?" Tonks interrupted his thoughts. Her voice sounded lower than usual almost as if she had trouble finding the words. It took a lot of resolve not to continue to be lost in the green pools that were his eyes. She'd never seen a man look at her like he was now, and she didn't quite know how to respond. Harry blushed as he realized he'd been staring at her the entire time she'd been in his room. He cleared his throat and wracked his brain trying to come up with a question that only he and Tonks would know the answer to.

"What did you say about my room the first time you saw it?" He wondered vaguely if he even remembered that as he waited for her response. She smiled, and he suddenly found it harder to breathe. Her whole face brightened with that smile.

"Something along the lines of 'this is more like it.' Yours was the only normal room in this sterile place. Sure it was a bit messy, but it looked lived in, you know," she answered thinking back to that day and the first time she'd met him. She'd liked the young man instantly. He was not what she'd expected having heard the story of the boy-who-lived hundreds of times while growing up.

"Good enough," he replied as he too, thought about that day, and the very pretty auror who had packed up most of his pitiful belongings before he returned to Grimmauld Place the summer before fifth year. It seemed like a life time ago now. Neither said anything and the silence stretched between them for what seemed like forever.

"Are you hoping to get a head start on your NEWTS?" She finally asked wondering why she was having so much difficulty coming up with things to say now that she was here. She had talked to Harry and his friends off and on before or after Order meetings for the last two years. Maybe it was being alone with just Harry, or maybe just her thoughts as of late. She scolded herself to pay attention as Harry responded.

"Uh, no, not really, just reviewing," Harry flushed wishing he hadn't sounded so stupid. He really was quite awful at talking to girls, nothing seemed to sound the way he wanted it to.

"How are the Dursleys treating you?"

"Alright, I guess. They mostly leave me alone," he answered trying to relax more. This was Tonks after all, he'd seen her several times, and she'd helped him out of a few tight situations over the last year.

"That's good," she murmured as she wondered what the hell she was doing here talking to him. This had obviously been a mistake. "I should go," she added turning back towards the window.

"Don't go," the words stopped her as her hands rested on the latch on the window.

"I shouldn't have come inside," she insisted and opened the window. Harry moved across the room and laid a hand on her shoulder. A tingle of electricity shot through him and he wondered briefly if she'd been shocked as well.

"I'm glad you did," his own voice sounded unnatural to him. He didn't understand what was going on, but he knew he didn't want her to leave. She was the first person he'd spoken to other than the Dursleys since his return to Surrey. Being separated from his friends and the wizarding world was always hard, but this year seemed worse.

Tonks turned to face him and her own breath caught at how close she was to him. Inches apart she suddenly felt like she was too far away from him, a startling thought really. Moving purely on instinct he stepped even closer to her and his arms slid around her of their own accord. She tucked her head in against his neck, and he shuddered as her breathe moved along his skin. Her arms slid around him as well and she held on dearly not sure why she was reacting this way. Tears slid down her checks and he whispered soothing words to her as his own arms tightened around her. They stayed like that for some time finding comfort in the others closeness.

"Thank you," Tonks managed in barely a whisper and she pulled back from him. He let her although he missed her closeness immediately. It was amazing to him how good it felt to just hold someone and be held back. He wasn't used to hugs or closeness with others, and in the past crying girls had just made him nervous. He wondered if it was because he was different or was it that the girl was different. He honestly did not know. He brushed some hair back from her face marveling at the softness, and found himself wondering what it would be like to kiss her. Tonks eyes widened as she met his gaze, and something like panic flickered across her face as she pulled further away from him. "Oh, merlin," she mumbled and slipped out of the window before Harry could move.

Author's Note: I started this several years ago, and honestly it may remain a short one shot sort of piece unless others express a lot of interest. This is actually the first half of what I have had written for some time. I'll post the other half soon, and then decide from there whether to leave it as a one shot little piece or to try to take it further. I have no beta so typos and other errors are all mine. Reviews are appreciated immensely. I hope you enjoy it.


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